I remember in my stage management course in college reading in our textbook, "The stage manager is absolutely responsible for absolutely everything." As an aspiring young stage manager, that resonated deeply with me. Being a stage manager was (and is) a huge part of my identity. It's probably what I would want to be at this stage of my life if I wasn't a teacher. As stage manager, I love feeling 100% in control, anticipating every need, handling every situation. It's a crushing blow when that one thing falls through the cracks, but when it all goes off without a hitch, it's my greatest high.
But I think that sense of absolute responsibility has started to go too far.
This last trimester has been one of the most personally and professionally challenging periods of my life. My roommate/colleague/best friend (SW) unexpectedly went on medical leave and pretty much disappeared from my life. In the midst of all this personal emotional trauma, professionally, I felt so, so responsible. I felt responsible for our shared class, SW's other classes, the cast of the upper school play, the drama clubs. I knew how vulnerable those students felt with having one of their favourite teachers suddenly disappear (having had to break the news to them). As a teacher who had known and worked with them for the same amount of time, I wanted nothing more than to support them. But of course, I already have a full-time job. I feel responsible for everything that happens in both our theatres too, probably also to an unhealthy degree.
When SW left, the school administration divided up her teaching responsibilities between me and my intern. My intern took on three classes, I took on two plus the US play and US drama club. Suddenly, our schedules were so constricted. We used to each co-teach one class with or at the same time as SW, so we had the flexibility of built-in coverage if there were two events on at the same time, or an event that needed us both. Now, suddenly, there were five out of seven blocks that only one of us was free. This was a huge challenge to negotiate time and time again. Even to this final week, my calendar barely allows time for bathroom breaks, much less lunch. I remember breaking down to my friend JD a few weeks ago. "You can do it," she reassured me. "That's the problem," I sobbed, "this time I really don't know if I can."
On Friday, I broke (for about the seventh time since this all began mid-March). It was a fairly trivial matter, but it pushed me over the edge (again). A poorly organized student group performing at graduation asked for one more rehearsal - at 9:00am on graduation day, meaning an 8:00am start for me. I had been planning on arriving at 11:30am before working the whole day and supervising a drama club sleepover until the following day at 4:00pm. It was a difference of only 3.5 hours in the face of what was already over a 24-hour work block. But in those 3.5 hours I saw sleeping in, a moment alone, time to do my laundry and watch TV and give my mind and body the rest they so desperately needed.
The difference between all the other breakdowns I've had since March and the one I had on Friday: I broke in front of someone who did something about it. As the young performers walked out of the theatre, my friend and colleague GS saw my eyes tearing and immediately knew I was not okay. He listened to me, he heard me, and the second I left the room he called our school's administrators to tell them I needed support.
Our MS principal, Ms. K, has stepped up in a big way. She has offered every support she possibly can (covering classes, help with marking assignments, everything she can think of). We finally connected in person today after a very emotional faculty meeting. Our head of school, Ms. W, organized an activity wherein 1/3 of the faculty/staff sat with their eyes closed as she read a list of statements such as, "touch someone who supported you this year," "touch someone who taught you something new," "touch someone who went out of their way to say thank you to you." Feeling touch after touch, and even a few whispers from colleagues, I felt my eyes well with tears. As I then went around acknowledging all those who had supported me through this incredibly challenging period, my emotions were raw.
As I talked with Ms. K after this activity, my strong facade crumbled once again, and she hugged me so tight. She expressed that the entire administration recognizes and appreciates the amount of work I am doing, and acknowledged that they put too too much on my plate in light of the whole situation, both my professional craziness and my personal crisis. "We all just think of you as Wonder Woman," she told me. "That's part of the problem," I joked, "is that I really want to be!" "But you're not," she gently reminded me. "None of us can be." (That didn't stop me from wearing my Wonder Woman crop top to bed.)
With five school days and three major events to go, I am so ready for this summer. I know (or at least hope) that I am now past the very worst that this year could offer - 32 consecutive work hours the weekend that final marks are due - so hopefully it will be smooth sailing from here on out.
Walking away from all this, and looking toward a summer of rest, relaxation, and reflection, I already know what I need to set as my goals for next year. One is that I need to be a better self-advocate. In a meeting with Ms. W in April, she helped me reframe "asking for help" (something I hate doing) as "advocating for myself" (as she thinks I am a strong advocate). I need to be able to draw and hold a line, and be comfortable saying no. Even to children's sad, sad faces. The other is that I desperately need to work on my work-life balance. I think this piece will come naturally as I go from doing two jobs to just one, but I still know that it needs to be an intentional focus. With two new drama teachers and a new theatre intern coming in, it could be very easy to slip back into the Wonder Woman role, needing to be the support system for all of them. But, stage manager or not, I cannot be - and must not let myself feel - absolutely responsible for absolutely everything.
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Currently reading: haven't had time in WEEKS, but am very excited to start my chosen summer reads: Exit West, Tomorrow Will Be Different, and Barbarian Days
Current high: there are NO MORE Monday wake-ups this school year!
Current low: but there are still FIVE MORE wake-ups this school year...
