Tomorrow's the day...and I think I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I've read, underlined, and packed my summer reading books. I've shipped three boxes over and packed my suitcases for the flight. My computer's hard drive is backed up so I can transfer it all onto my work computer upon arrival. All my important documents have been photocopied in triplicate -- one to leave with my folks, one to carry with me, one to leave in my apartment. I am armed with several great playlists on my new iPhone, a bunch of Disney movies on my iPad (thanks EE!), and a wealth of Kindle and Nook novels downloaded onto both to entertain me as I travel.
One of my biggest fears has been about maintaining the friendships that I have worked so hard to cultivate for the last four years. I was feeling alright about my high school friends; we've weathered five years of living apart, so the ones who were going to stick around have done so. I've not had such a chance with most of my best friends from college (although JH and I managed a fairly serious separation junior year!). However, at this point, I feel really confident in all of the friendships I care most about. We've kept in touch through the summer like we never have before, I got to reconnect with many of my best friends on my vacation to Boston and New York, and I deeply trust that I have their support and love through this transitional period.
People have asked me several times over the past weeks how I'm feeling. "Fine," I've told them, "because I haven't been thinking about it." It's not denial, it's knowing myself well. I can worry up a storm if I let myself, particularly when going into a great unknown. Most of this control freak's anxiety stems from not knowing what it will be like when I get there, and I can work myself into a panic spiral. See also yesterday's post about hyperventilating on Saturday night :P So as the big day has approached, I've worked to keep my mind and hands as busy as possible with crafting and TV galore. Either it's going to be okay or it's not, but there's a 99% chance it's going to be okay. On Friday, I'll start to find that out for certain.
An odd thought struck me recently: although California continues to be my permanent address, I don't think I'll be back to my "home" for at least a year, and probably closer to two. I've even started packing up my bedroom of the last eight years and storing a few boxes in the attic, knowing that the next time I come here, it will probably be to move out entirely. I have returned again and again to a lyric from a Blink-182 song, introduced to me by my friend SN on a mix CD in 8th grade: "Well, I guess this is growing up."
Wish me smooth travel, a restful flight, and an adventurous spirit! It's been real, United States...see you in December.
**********
Currently reading: The Interestings (or at least, I'm starting it on the plane tomorrow -- thanks for the recommendation, NB!)
Current high: excited to start my new life!
Current low: feeling "anxhilerated," a term coined by my father
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Fear, part 2
I received such overwhelming positive support in response to my last post about fear; thank you all for reading and reaching out with such kindness. It is truly those demonstrations of friendship and love that reassure me and help me feel okay about this huge choice I've made.
The other night I had a wonderful going away party with four very dear friends: three of my best friends from high school and MN (now MD!)'s husband, also a good friend of mine. It was so, so wonderful to see all of them, hear of their recent adventures, and share my recent past and expected future. They all stayed for about six hours, and for those six hours of great wine and delicious food and fantastic company, I was supremely happy.
But then they went home. I hugged them all goodbye, made plans to see some again before I leave and keep in touch with others until I return to California (in 2 years???), and returned inside to help clean the kitchen and go to bed. I went upstairs, changed into pajamas, and promptly burst into tears. And eventually began hyperventilating. Oops.
In the midst of my rapid breathing and leaky eyes, I returned to a commencement speech given this year by Dame Julie Andrews. I saw snatches of it on Tumblr, and one particular quote really stood out to me. To date, it is the quote that has been most reassuring to me. She said, "I remember saying once to my husband Blake on the eve of my return to Broadway after a 35 year absence, 'You know, I'm really feeling very frightened about this,' and I began to tear up. He simply replied, 'Darling, did you actually expect to feel anything else?' I remembered -- yet again -- that fear is a part of life. The trick is to recognize it and then press on anyway."
Hearing that relaxed me in a way few other things have. Of course. I'm supposed to be scared. I'm going through a really major transition and there are so many unknown variables and I have much less certainty than I have ever had. I'm moving to a place where I know no one and can only understand so much about where I'm going. Who wouldn't be terrified? And I know that once I get there I'll be okay, because for me, the hardest part is not knowing what's going to happen, and as soon as I am living life there I will feel just fine. For now, I just have to cope with a couple more days until I dive in.
To wrap up, I offer the wisdom my friend TB offered me on Facebook after my last post of fear: "Feel the fear and do it anyway :)"
**********
Currently reading: still between books -- I am knitting frantically trying to finish a project before I leave!
Current high: pretty much packed!
Current low: trying to remember all the last tiny things to do before Thursday morning...
The other night I had a wonderful going away party with four very dear friends: three of my best friends from high school and MN (now MD!)'s husband, also a good friend of mine. It was so, so wonderful to see all of them, hear of their recent adventures, and share my recent past and expected future. They all stayed for about six hours, and for those six hours of great wine and delicious food and fantastic company, I was supremely happy.
But then they went home. I hugged them all goodbye, made plans to see some again before I leave and keep in touch with others until I return to California (in 2 years???), and returned inside to help clean the kitchen and go to bed. I went upstairs, changed into pajamas, and promptly burst into tears. And eventually began hyperventilating. Oops.
In the midst of my rapid breathing and leaky eyes, I returned to a commencement speech given this year by Dame Julie Andrews. I saw snatches of it on Tumblr, and one particular quote really stood out to me. To date, it is the quote that has been most reassuring to me. She said, "I remember saying once to my husband Blake on the eve of my return to Broadway after a 35 year absence, 'You know, I'm really feeling very frightened about this,' and I began to tear up. He simply replied, 'Darling, did you actually expect to feel anything else?' I remembered -- yet again -- that fear is a part of life. The trick is to recognize it and then press on anyway."
Hearing that relaxed me in a way few other things have. Of course. I'm supposed to be scared. I'm going through a really major transition and there are so many unknown variables and I have much less certainty than I have ever had. I'm moving to a place where I know no one and can only understand so much about where I'm going. Who wouldn't be terrified? And I know that once I get there I'll be okay, because for me, the hardest part is not knowing what's going to happen, and as soon as I am living life there I will feel just fine. For now, I just have to cope with a couple more days until I dive in.
To wrap up, I offer the wisdom my friend TB offered me on Facebook after my last post of fear: "Feel the fear and do it anyway :)"
**********
Currently reading: still between books -- I am knitting frantically trying to finish a project before I leave!
Current high: pretty much packed!
Current low: trying to remember all the last tiny things to do before Thursday morning...
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Summer Reading
I had at least three books for summer reading every year that I was in high school, plus one before my first year of college. After that, my summers were spent blissfully avoiding academic reading! So when my future employers sent me a package with two books to read prior to training, I must admit I was a little bit grumpy. However, they were both interesting and relatively quick reads that made me really excited about the school community that I am joining :)
The first book I read was In Search of Understanding: The Case for Constructivist Classrooms. I know that a book's going to be good when as soon as I start reading it, I'm itching for a pencil so I can underline and notate my copy. Constructivism is all about providing opportunities and experiences for children to take their prior knowledge, and take responsibility for creating new understandings for themselves. It goes hand-in-hand with an inquiry-based approach, which is how I was trained to teach math and science in my college methods courses. In the public school where I did my student teaching, we employed inquiry whenever possible, and I am looking forward to moving into a school wherein I'll have greater flexibility to employ "non-traditional" approaches to early education.
Once I finished that, I moved on to Making the PYP Happen, which is a manual on the Primary Years Programme of the International Baccalaureate. The PYP too emphasises constructivism and inquiry. Their ultimate goal is raising internationally-minded students who can critically assess and take action to bring about change. Education is through several transdisciplinary units throughout the year, making knowledge transfer accessible and allowing for deep learning rather than cursory memorization. While the text itself was rather dry and somewhat repetitive (it is a manual, after all!) these lofty goals were inspirational to me. I can't wait to see how my third graders grapple with their learning tasks throughout the year and continue their growth into thoughtful and critical adults.
So, although I whined a bit about summer reading, I suppose the hours spent on these two short texts were worth the renewed enthusiasm I have for my new adventure.
**********
Currently reading: between books, but looking forward to the arrival of There Are No Shortcuts, recommended by my dear friend JH!
Current high: in just under an hour, several friends will arrive for my going-away party -- Christmas in July :)
Current low: trying (in vain?) to finish a knitting project before I leave on Thursday!
The first book I read was In Search of Understanding: The Case for Constructivist Classrooms. I know that a book's going to be good when as soon as I start reading it, I'm itching for a pencil so I can underline and notate my copy. Constructivism is all about providing opportunities and experiences for children to take their prior knowledge, and take responsibility for creating new understandings for themselves. It goes hand-in-hand with an inquiry-based approach, which is how I was trained to teach math and science in my college methods courses. In the public school where I did my student teaching, we employed inquiry whenever possible, and I am looking forward to moving into a school wherein I'll have greater flexibility to employ "non-traditional" approaches to early education.
Once I finished that, I moved on to Making the PYP Happen, which is a manual on the Primary Years Programme of the International Baccalaureate. The PYP too emphasises constructivism and inquiry. Their ultimate goal is raising internationally-minded students who can critically assess and take action to bring about change. Education is through several transdisciplinary units throughout the year, making knowledge transfer accessible and allowing for deep learning rather than cursory memorization. While the text itself was rather dry and somewhat repetitive (it is a manual, after all!) these lofty goals were inspirational to me. I can't wait to see how my third graders grapple with their learning tasks throughout the year and continue their growth into thoughtful and critical adults.
So, although I whined a bit about summer reading, I suppose the hours spent on these two short texts were worth the renewed enthusiasm I have for my new adventure.
**********
Currently reading: between books, but looking forward to the arrival of There Are No Shortcuts, recommended by my dear friend JH!
Current high: in just under an hour, several friends will arrive for my going-away party -- Christmas in July :)
Current low: trying (in vain?) to finish a knitting project before I leave on Thursday!
Monday, July 22, 2013
Fear.
Lately I have been coming to terms with the fact that what I have decided to do with the next year or two of my life is a really scary thing. It's probably the scariest thing I've done in my 23 years: moving to a foreign country by myself where I know no one. And I've often said that it's scary. But what I don't know if I have yet said out loud is that I am scared.
I am scared that I won't make friends with my coworkers.
I am scared that I won't be good at my job.
I am scared that the friendships I have built over the last four years will decay.
I am scared that I will be unhappy.
I am scared that I won't like living in that culture.
I am scared that I will be unable to find or create community.
I am scared that I will be lonely.
I am scared that I don't know what to expect.
I am scared that I will make really big mistakes.
I am scared that this is a mistake, that I made the wrong choice.
About a month ago, my best friend EE told me, "Write your own stories. For you." So hopefully, by now saying all of that out loud, I am a little closer to being okay with it.
**********
Currently reading: Making the PYP Happen
Current high: cooking up scalloped potatoes, my ultimate comfort food
Current low: not knowing what's going to happen next
I am scared that I won't make friends with my coworkers.
I am scared that I won't be good at my job.
I am scared that the friendships I have built over the last four years will decay.
I am scared that I will be unhappy.
I am scared that I won't like living in that culture.
I am scared that I will be unable to find or create community.
I am scared that I will be lonely.
I am scared that I don't know what to expect.
I am scared that I will make really big mistakes.
I am scared that this is a mistake, that I made the wrong choice.
About a month ago, my best friend EE told me, "Write your own stories. For you." So hopefully, by now saying all of that out loud, I am a little closer to being okay with it.
**********
Currently reading: Making the PYP Happen
Current high: cooking up scalloped potatoes, my ultimate comfort food
Current low: not knowing what's going to happen next
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Adventures in Travel: SFO Edition
On tonight's edition of Adventures in Travel, we find our intrepid heroine on an exciting journey to visit her dear friends in Boston and NYC one last time before departing for a new job in South Korea. She arrives at SFO with time to spare for her 12:45am flight, quickly clears security, and sits down to transfer a few Disney movies to her iPad in case insomnia strikes. They ask for people to gate check their bags, which I do with pleasure -- I'm always willing to forego the annoyance of dragging my luggage around!
Then: the announcement. One flight attendant is running late, and legally, we can't board until she arrives. Thanks for your patience, stay tuned, yadda yadda. I keep a wary ear out, as I have a very short (<1 hour) connection in Minneapolis. Around 12:20, less than half an hour before our scheduled departure, comes the harsh truth: the aforementioned flight attendant will not be arriving until 2:00am.After making a shocked and angry face, I whipped out my cell phone. Life lessons from my father: when an announcement such as this is made, everyone will charge the desk. Call the 800 number for reservations instead. (This is the second time in a year I've used this trick and it's a lifesaver! Thanks Dad!)
As it happens, Delta has a lovely callback service, so instead of sitting on hold, I left my name and number and they held my place for me. My flight was rebooked for 6:40am tomorrow (well, technically today), which unfortunately means losing about 6 hours of my first day in Boston. It also leaves me with the unfortunate task of trying to either get my bag back now (currently waiting for the looooong line to subside) or tracking it down in Boston. Foiled again.
On the bright side, SFO has free wifi, so I'll kill the next 45 minutes of line-watching with an episode of The West Wing before finding somewhere to hunker down for a few hours of ZZZs. Good thing I'm on my way to the land of Dunkin!
**********
Currently reading: same as last time...my progress has stalled.
Current high: fangirling over West Wing with one of my best buddies, JH!
Current low: I think it's obvious.
Then: the announcement. One flight attendant is running late, and legally, we can't board until she arrives. Thanks for your patience, stay tuned, yadda yadda. I keep a wary ear out, as I have a very short (<1 hour) connection in Minneapolis. Around 12:20, less than half an hour before our scheduled departure, comes the harsh truth: the aforementioned flight attendant will not be arriving until 2:00am.After making a shocked and angry face, I whipped out my cell phone. Life lessons from my father: when an announcement such as this is made, everyone will charge the desk. Call the 800 number for reservations instead. (This is the second time in a year I've used this trick and it's a lifesaver! Thanks Dad!)
As it happens, Delta has a lovely callback service, so instead of sitting on hold, I left my name and number and they held my place for me. My flight was rebooked for 6:40am tomorrow (well, technically today), which unfortunately means losing about 6 hours of my first day in Boston. It also leaves me with the unfortunate task of trying to either get my bag back now (currently waiting for the looooong line to subside) or tracking it down in Boston. Foiled again.
On the bright side, SFO has free wifi, so I'll kill the next 45 minutes of line-watching with an episode of The West Wing before finding somewhere to hunker down for a few hours of ZZZs. Good thing I'm on my way to the land of Dunkin!
**********
Currently reading: same as last time...my progress has stalled.
Current high: fangirling over West Wing with one of my best buddies, JH!
Current low: I think it's obvious.
Monday, July 8, 2013
The Countdown Begins...
Greetings, all, and apologies for my recent hiatus from regular posting! My student teaching finished with lots of smiles, gifts, and celebration; I am so deeply grateful for having such an amazing experience with kind and patient mentors and loving and inquisitive students.
But now, my attention has turned to the experience ahead: my impending move to South Korea. I've received my official approval to get my visa stamp and spent the morning gathering the materials I need to mail. I've shopped for a few kitchenwares for my apartment and I'm getting ready to ship two big tubs and a box to my future home. I've begun packing the suitcases that will come on the plane with me. I've become an avid fan of Chelsea Speak on YouTube. I've started tearing through the summer reading that my employers gave me. I've spent hours poring over travel guides to get inspiration for travel during school breaks. I've purchased two of my three or four flights for Christmas travels.
I cannot emphasize enough how excited I am for this new adventure. I absolutely love to travel, the school that I am going to has philosophies that mirror my own, and I am confident that the faculty and administration will be a fantastic support system for me as I further develop my personal teaching style. However, I am also seriously struggling with this major transition. After graduation, most of my good friends moved to Boston or New York. Two dear friends are renting an apartment together. Others are returning to Mount Holyoke. While I am thrilled with the opportunities that await me both personally and professionally, I am truly, deeply worried about losing the friendships I have cultivated over the last four years. Several of my closest friends all share a social circle in the city in which they live, and there is no way that I can be a consistent part of that for the next couple of years.
I remember having coffee with LP, a young alum friend of mine, the week before graduation. She was telling me of her upcoming plans to travel to visit friends of hers from college all over the world! I smiled and said that was one of the nice things about going to our school, you had friends everywhere. She paused for a moment, and admitted that yes, it was good to have friends everywhere, but it was also hard...because none of them are here.
I have said to many people that after my two years in Korea, I intend to move back to Massachusetts, either Boston or the Pioneer Valley. But really, the more I think about it, that feels like the safe answer, the personal choice. My nomadic spirit dreams of teaching in London, Zurich, Christchurch, Cairo, Jerusalem, Quito. My educator self seeks an opportunity wherein I will be challenged but supported, and make a difference in the world. But the community-oriented woman inside me wonders when I will ever begin to find and build home. For the time being, I am trying to focus more on the present. In two days I will spend a week visiting my best friends in Boston; in less than a month I'll depart on my new adventure and go about creating my community. I suppose my next move will largely hinge on the ease of doing so.
**********
Currently reading: Jonathan Kozol's Amazing Grace and In Search of Understanding: The Case for Constructivist Classrooms by Jacqueline Grennon Brooks and Martin Brooks
Current high: just two days until I take off for a whole week with my buddies!
Current low: worries about friendship maintenance in years to come.
But now, my attention has turned to the experience ahead: my impending move to South Korea. I've received my official approval to get my visa stamp and spent the morning gathering the materials I need to mail. I've shopped for a few kitchenwares for my apartment and I'm getting ready to ship two big tubs and a box to my future home. I've begun packing the suitcases that will come on the plane with me. I've become an avid fan of Chelsea Speak on YouTube. I've started tearing through the summer reading that my employers gave me. I've spent hours poring over travel guides to get inspiration for travel during school breaks. I've purchased two of my three or four flights for Christmas travels.
I cannot emphasize enough how excited I am for this new adventure. I absolutely love to travel, the school that I am going to has philosophies that mirror my own, and I am confident that the faculty and administration will be a fantastic support system for me as I further develop my personal teaching style. However, I am also seriously struggling with this major transition. After graduation, most of my good friends moved to Boston or New York. Two dear friends are renting an apartment together. Others are returning to Mount Holyoke. While I am thrilled with the opportunities that await me both personally and professionally, I am truly, deeply worried about losing the friendships I have cultivated over the last four years. Several of my closest friends all share a social circle in the city in which they live, and there is no way that I can be a consistent part of that for the next couple of years.
I remember having coffee with LP, a young alum friend of mine, the week before graduation. She was telling me of her upcoming plans to travel to visit friends of hers from college all over the world! I smiled and said that was one of the nice things about going to our school, you had friends everywhere. She paused for a moment, and admitted that yes, it was good to have friends everywhere, but it was also hard...because none of them are here.
I have said to many people that after my two years in Korea, I intend to move back to Massachusetts, either Boston or the Pioneer Valley. But really, the more I think about it, that feels like the safe answer, the personal choice. My nomadic spirit dreams of teaching in London, Zurich, Christchurch, Cairo, Jerusalem, Quito. My educator self seeks an opportunity wherein I will be challenged but supported, and make a difference in the world. But the community-oriented woman inside me wonders when I will ever begin to find and build home. For the time being, I am trying to focus more on the present. In two days I will spend a week visiting my best friends in Boston; in less than a month I'll depart on my new adventure and go about creating my community. I suppose my next move will largely hinge on the ease of doing so.
**********
Currently reading: Jonathan Kozol's Amazing Grace and In Search of Understanding: The Case for Constructivist Classrooms by Jacqueline Grennon Brooks and Martin Brooks
Current high: just two days until I take off for a whole week with my buddies!
Current low: worries about friendship maintenance in years to come.
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