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It was about eleven months ago that I received an offer I never expected: to become the technical director and production manager of my school's theatres. When the offer came out of Mr. W's mouth, I'm pretty sure I sat in pure stunned silence for about ten seconds. Why me? I wondered. About a week later I accepted the job (after much debate), and the change was announced schoolwide two weeks later.
Sometime in between those two things happening, I had a panic attack.
I remember vividly - it was shortly before a rehearsal for our all-school musical and I rushed SW, babbling and crying and hyperventilating and panicked that I couldn't possibly do this no way what the heck was everybody thinking and honestly what the heck was I thinking who was I to even consider?!? She talked me off the ledge (on that day and many since), reassuring me (for what was not the last time) that they would not have offered me the job if they didn't think I could do it.
Now, of course, I think my school's administration is made up of some incredibly smart, competent people. But for some reason, on this particular point, I was convinced they had all lost their minds. Here they were, replacing a TD carrying fifteen or twenty years of relevant experience with a green young stage manager slash drama teacher. What on earth were they thinking?!
Rationally, I know what they were thinking. Here's someone who already knows the theatre spaces. She knows our faculty, she knows our kids, she knows our program. She may not have the same technical strengths as her predecessor, but she has other strengths that we need. On a good day, I can even identify what some of those strengths are. But sometimes, my brain can only focus on the opposite, and I manage to convince myself that it's what everyone is thinking. She doesn't know the spaces or the gear as well. She doesn't have nearly as much experience. They only gave her the job because she's already here. She had no business even being considered for this position, much less accepting it.
If this sort of self-talk sounds familiar to you, congratulations! You may be dealing with impostor syndrome. Impostor syndrome is common among high-achieving individuals - particularly women - who struggle to accept their accomplishments as their own, more often chalking it up to luck, good timing, or other external factors. They live in constant fear of being revealed as a fraud, because they believe they did not get to where they are simply based on their own merits. I lived in this state of panic as each "first" in my new job approached: the first assembly, the first concert, the first theatre production. I'm not going to be able to do it. They'll realize I'm a fake. SW can attest, there were many tears throughout these first months.
But as each "first" came and went without a hitch, I was more and more able to internalize the accomplishments, more readily able to accept praise for my work instead of denigrating it. I stopped beating myself up for making mistakes. I realized that, despite a steep learning curve, I am good at this job. I may not be good at it in the same ways that my predecessor was, but I bring different skills and assets to the position.
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Flash forward to the present. As GS said these kind words, my eyes filled with tears. Someone who worked closely with my predecessor for five years - who had his concerts transformed by his technical prowess - was praising me and the work I have done throughout the year. He can see better than many that my predecessor and I approached the job differently, and neither approach is better or worse - but GS is still seeing the results he needs onstage. This is a man who I know to be genuine and authentic, who does not heap on false compliments where they have not been earned. I cannot begin to tell you how warm and positive this simple comment felt. It was so validating.
Of course, the credit does not belong solely to me. My students make me look damn good. The training they have received over the months and years they have worked in the theatres pay off. From the student who I trust to mix sound even better than I can, to the student who anticipates every cue I am about to call, to the student who I turn to give an instruction to just to see they are already doing what I was about to ask, I am so grateful for the ways in which they lift up the work that we do every day.
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Oh, and to those of you who may think impostor syndrome sounds a bit too familiar: be kind to yourself. Talk to yourself with the loving words and gentle tone you would use with your dearest friends. And listen to those who tell you this:
You may not believe it the first time - or even the first thousand times - but keep listening.
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Currently reading: Talking As Fast As I Can by Lauren Graham
Current high: I mean, obviously, this. Plus there's pho simmering on the stove, and only 3.5 school days 'til holiday break!
Current low: honestly can't think of one :)
It's continuously interesting to me who people's internal dynamic about success seems to revolve on where they find themselves in the triangle among luck, talent/skill and hard work.
ReplyDeleteI agree that for many women, they self-characterize more heavily on luck then most men with similar experience. This is not to suggest that men don't experience it, just that they're more likely to attribute success to skill/talent and hard work.
As I look at the course of my own experience, luck has played an enormously important role, but without the other two elements, the luck would have done me no good. But recognizing how important the luck has been is one of those things one needs to do to avoid over-crediting the first two and not recognizing the work of karma/grace or to whatever you attribute your luck.