Cry, Cry, Cry

Over the past couple of years, I have experienced an enormous amount of self-discovery and personal growth.  There are a lot of parts of myself that I have learned to accept, and others that I work on consistently.  But one part of my personality drives me absolutely crazy and I just don't know what to do about it.

When I get angry, or involved in any sort of confrontation, I cry.

Take today, for instance.  I went in to talk with our middle school PE department about a policy they have in their intramural sports (goals scored by girls = double points, which feels sexist to me).  I spent a lot of time thinking about possible solutions, brainstorming with like-minded friends, and writing out a bulleted list of ideas.  I was really excited for the conversation, and I tried really hard to set the scene for an open dialogue.  I came in and began by acknowledging them as the experts on their program and students, and asking some questions about the intramural program.  Then I made a couple of suggestions.  Each one I made was quickly dismissed - not without explanation of the reasoning behind it, but it felt to me that as soon as they heard I was coming, they had closed their ranks and their minds.

When I made my third suggestion and it was abruptly cast off when the words had barely passed my lips, I felt it beginning.  The lump in my throat, the slightly ragged breathing, the blurred vision.  Suddenly glad I had brought my water bottle, I routinely sipped from it to keep my throat open, and fiddled with my necklace to keep my hands and mind busy.  As I fought the urge to let the tears fall, I lost the courage to open my mouth and say anything back, knowing that trying to speak would put me in a compromising situation.  The words "your Western sensibilities" and "a bit of a feminist" and "it's empowering for girls" washed over me as I focused on nodding and keeping my eyes open wide and continuing to breathe.  It was all I could do to whisper "Thank you for taking the time" before rushing out the door and blinking hard, pushing the welled-up tears out.  A few minutes later, I wiped my face, checked my makeup, and went straight back to work.  That's how I deal - put your head down and keep going.

But to me, that's not what this is about.  Sure it was a frustrating conversation, and I walked out feeling like I had not been heard or gotten my point across.  My biggest disappointment, though, was in myself; maybe if I'd had a better handle on myself emotionally, I could have articulated myself more clearly and had a more productive talk.  I pride myself on being a passionate person - but how is that an asset if I can't affirm my beliefs and opinions without saline dripping down my face?  I get all fired up and am ready to speak my piece, and then when my feelings are about to overflow through my eyeballs, I fear I will be dismissed as weak.  My choices are to either shut down emotionally and shut up verbally, or cry and face the potential consequences of the assumptions people will make.

"It's okay to cry," people tell me.  "It's important to let it out," they say.  Of course.  But there's a time and a place and an important meeting is neither.  Oh, and I know that not everyone will immediately dismiss me if I break down into tears.  In fact, I had quite the opposite happen in a meeting with Ms. W earlier in the year, which was reassuring...but that's just not the norm.  Honestly, this is so incredibly frustrating to me; I returned to my classroom after the meeting and found myself doing an online search for "how not to cry when you're angry."  I tried some of the suggested strategies as I continued my struggle to regain control over my tear ducts, but pinching myself and holding my breath didn't seem to do it for me.

To be frank, I'm not entirely sure of the point of this post.  I don't have some nice closure with which to wrap up my tale, nor any pithy words of wisdom.  I have only frustration and confusion about how to move forward in my personal journey - I don't know how to accept this part of myself, but I don't know how to change it either.

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Currently reading:  stalled on my latest read, but recently downloaded How To Be A Woman...I'm vibing some feminist reads
Current high:  great dinner and movie date with one of my buddies tonight
Current low:  isn't it obvious?