Feminist Nomenclature

A few years ago, my good friend MN excitedly Google Chatted me.  "Grace!" she exclaimed.  "Do I want to be Miss N or Ms. N?"  I immediately responded, "I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS ABOUT MS."

Allow me to explain.

How do you formally introduce a man, or what do you call him if he's your teacher?  The default is Mr. Fill-In-The-Blank.  The only other really likely one in academic settings is Dr. Whatever, or Professor So-And-So at the collegiate level.  What about women?  Well, if she's married, it's probably Mrs., but maybe not, and if she's single, then it's definitely Miss, or is it?  And again, maybe she has a doctoral degree, which throws a whole new wrench into matters.  Horrible mess.

Now, a quick disclaimer:  these are my personal views.  When couples join together, they modify their names for any number of reasons.  I know families who:
* both took a new name which held significance for them as individuals and as a couple
* both took both names as a hyphenate
* each kept their name
* both had hyphenated last names, and each took one half of their hyphenate to create a new hyphenate
* combined their last names to make a new one
* both took on the name of one partner

None of these is wrong, and none is The Right Way To Do Things.  What I hate is the assumption that a woman should take her husband's name upon marriage.  (Really I hate when anyone tells women they should do anything, but that's another matter entirely.)  My mother kept her name when she married, and my father jokes that she let him keep his name, too.  But as a young woman in the 1980s, my mother came across so many women who were truly confused by her choice to remain Ms. B instead of Mrs. H.  "But I'm proud of my husband," they would say to her.  Sure, she was proud of hers too.  But why was the expectation that she would take his name to "prove" that?

So back to Ms.  The moniker was introduced as a neutral term that did not imply a woman's marital status at all, just like Mr. for men.  Why should a woman's identity be so altered by a marriage certificate, but not a man's?  I remember around the age of nine telling my mother that I was never changing my name.  I wavered on this for a while during a serious relationship I was in a few years ago, but am back to being fairly certain that I do not want to change my name when and if I wed.  I have been Grace H for my entire life and I absolutely love my last name - why should I change who I am for someone else?  I would consider combining names, hyphenating, or something of that ilk, but only if my partner and I were both going to make that change.  (Again - these are MY personal feelings about MY name, and every individual and couple has to discuss and decide for themselves.  There is no Right Way or Wrong Way.)

With my particular population of primary ELL students, are they going to realize the weight of my choice to be Ms. H rather than Miss H?  Probably not.  (Many don't even recognize the different between Ms. and Miss anyway!)  Some of my colleagues might.  I always refer to colleagues as Ms. unless asked to do otherwise.  But for me, I own it as my personal choice.  I am Ms. H, and I define my own identity.

(Special thanks to my career mentor, DS, for inspiring this post - this is largely based upon a conversation he initiated during a professional development lunch in the summer of 2012.  See also this NYT article on Ms.)

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Currently reading:  just finished Chains by Laurie Halse Anderson
Current high:  halfway to our first vacation!
Current low:  just a melancholy evening