The day began slowly. My first class was at 11:00, so I spent the morning finishing preparations to my room and lesson plans. I popped into the Pre-K parent coffee to introduce myself and my program. By 10:30, I was done with all my big tasks and unbelievably antsy. I ran all over trying to fill the time with tiny tasks that would make my class arrive faster.
But then it began, and of course, very few things went as planned. I quickly observed in my first class how I should restructure the order of activities before the next group. I considered how I could better manage kindergarteners. I thought of how I could explain the rules more explicitly to prevent misbehaviour. I realized ways I could have changed my plans on the fly to match the students' energy and needs. This will surprise no one who is a teacher: I walked out of my first day feeling like I had fallen flat on my face.
After all this, I was set to have a meeting with my MS/US counterpart and roomie, SW, but it turned into a therapy session instead. I went through all the cliches. "I can't do this." "Why do I even want to be a teacher?" "I quit!" (Okay, clearly I was a tad melodramatic. What can I say? I'm a drama teacher!) She was so, so good in talking me down. It's only day one, she reminded me. Set benchmarks. Things will get better. You'll get used to your role, the kids will get used to you and your routine and your style. "If someone had been watching your lesson," she inquired, "what would they have told you to do differently?" What a great tool for less harsh self-reflection. There were a few tweaks I might have made, but not a whole lot.
In this venting session, I realized something. This is my third time being a first-year teacher. First in my student teaching, my first time taking the lead at all; then last year as an intern, my first full year in the classroom; and now with my first classroom of my own, and a single-subject classroom at that. Should I move on to teach drama at other levels, it will be my first year again; or if I take on my own homeroom, I will be starting from scratch once more. All the hard lessons of being a first-year teacher will be learned again and again. If this restless wanderer ever makes it through 3-5 years in the same position (seems unlikely in the near future!), I hear things start to settle at that point - but even then, the learning is never done.
I was never quite sure if I was an optimist or a pessimist. I knew myself to be, at times, cynical, idealistic, realistic, positive. But what did that boil down to? I wasn't sure.
As I have alluded to, this summer was weird and wonderful in so many ways. It was the healthiest I have felt socially in years - but it was also, at times, trying and challenging. I had two experiences in particular where I came out feeling, for lack of a better word, icky. But then something shifted. With each of those nights, I made a conscious choice the following day to focus on a silver lining. Neither instance was wholly bad; each of them had some golden nugget of validation waiting to be mined out. Now, a month past it, I treasure both of those nights for the compliments and validation of friends rather than the emotional turmoil mixed in.
I decided to make a similar move with my first day as a drama teacher. Was it a perfect day? Nope. Would I even call it a good day? Not likely. But here's what I am choosing to focus on: while it was a steep learning curve, I took it. As each class progressed, I thought of how I could change the lesson, make things better. Even after all three kindergarten classes were done, I contemplated how I could change things like introducing my system for management, which I am getting to try eight more times with my pre-K and G1 classes. I am focusing on my ability to learn from my students and improve myself and my work for them.
It's important for me - and all new teachers - to remind myself to be patient. I am starting a program from scratch; I am teaching something I have never even seen before. I am building the bike as I am riding it. The tires may go flat, the chain may skip, but as long as I keep moving forward, I'll get there eventually. Plus I have great safety gear - an understanding colleague, a supportive admin team, encouraging friends and family. As I just wrote on a post-it on my bulletin board to remind myself - it will get fun again. Ever upward!
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| It will get fun again - to the point I was at in this picture, filled with pure joy and love for my students and work. |
Currently reading: Dream Class: How To Transform Any Group Of Students Into The Class You've Always Wanted by Michael Linsin
Current high: while bringing my lunch down to eat in my classroom, several of my now-fourth graders convinced me to come eat with them...just the pick-me-up I needed :) Also my last class of the day went FANTASTICALLY
Current low: you'd think I'd know by now, but I still get surprised by how tired I am the first week back!
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