Homecomings/Homegoings

A couple years ago, I began the tradition of "monthly playlists," inspired by my friend RC.  Each month I have a fluid playlist, with the date and a title that is apropos to the month.  I will add to and remove from it at will from the first to the last day of the month - and then I will leave it.  I like to be able to look back to the songs that were meaningful to me at different stages.  This of course complements a collection of other more obviously titled playlists I have - Happy, Ch-Ch-Changes, Feminist and Fly, Gym, Folksy Girls, and so on.

In July, I was far too busy to take the time to sit down and cultivate such a playlist.  I spent most of my time on my work computer, away from my personal iTunes library, so most of my jams came from the Sara Bareilles station on Pandora or the soundtrack of Heathers: The Musical (ad infinitum).  When I first got back to Korea, I sat down to begin crafting one for August.  Last year the playlist was entitled "Noble," a play upon the word "august."  As I added songs this year, I mused over what the title should be for 2014.

Since my study abroad experience in Jerusalem back in the fall of 2011, I have grappled with the concept of "home."  Since moving (semi-)permanently overseas, that struggle has become even more complex.  When I first left the United States, my beloved alma mater was still the place that felt most like home - but is a place that will never be my home again.  My parents' home is in California, but other than them, not a lot draws me to that place anymore.  Going back further, New Hampshire and Maine were both my home at some point, yet while I still feel a sense of kinship with them, I am also far removed from both of those places.  I feel an odd sense of home in Boston, where my sister and many of my friends live, although I myself have never lived in the greater Boston area for more than a summer.  New Haven, where I was for my summer job, was a place where I felt a sense of belonging unlike I have in years.  And now back in Korea - where my address is, where my work is, where most of my life happens.

So when people ask the question, "Where's home?"  or "Where are you from?" I have to laugh.  What is a simple query for many people presents a deep existential problem for me.  There's the easy answer - California.  The slightly more complex response - New England and California.  And the full monty:  Well, I moved from Maine to New Hampshire when I was six, to California when I was thirteen (and that's where my parents still live), went to college in Massachusetts, and now I live in Korea.  Whew.  Sorry, pal, you didn't know what you were getting yourself into when you were just trying to make small talk.

It's the classic TCK struggle, which I am confronting later in life.  I was never a TCK, but as a twenty-something expat, there's a lot of similarities.  My first time living overseas, I felt homeless - there was no one place that I belonged.  In talking to my sister, though, she brought me to see myself as homeful.  No, I do not have an easy and automatic answer to "Where's home?"  But there's a richness in having a tapestry to weave in my response, a physical and emotional journey to the person I am constantly in the process of becoming.

Skimming the list of songs I had selected for the month so far, the playlist's title came to me:  "Homecomings/Homegoings".  Within the summer, and even August alone, I came home so many times - but also left homes behind.  I've greeted old friends, forged new relationships, said tearful goodbyes.  I feel like I am constantly stepping out of one world and into another.  I bloom where I'm planted, so I will almost always fall in love with the world which I find myself a part of.  While I am highly future-oriented, I will often dream of a future within that world - my career trajectory in Korea, or what I'll do next summer at the program I worked at.  But it's hard to look out at all the worlds in which I am not present and see what I am missing.  And so, I am learning, always learning, to find the beauty in my situation.  I consider myself lucky beyond all reckoning to have friends and homes across the world.

"Where we love is home.  Home that our feet may leave - but not our hearts." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

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Currently reading:  books upon books of readers' theatre plays
Current high:  first drama classes tomorrow!!!
Current low:  even after reading three dozen plays, I haven't found one I love for my exploratory!